


A Question of Worth

by SelenaTerna



Series: Prompt Fics [14]
Category: Doctor Who & Related Fandoms, Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Angst, F/M, Feelings of Inadequacy, Hurt/Comfort, Love, Mentions of AOS, Mentions of GITF, Post-Episode: s02e04 The Girl in the Fireplace, Post-Episode: s02e05-06 Rise of the Cybermen/Age of Steel, Romance, and also hope, value
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-03
Updated: 2018-02-04
Packaged: 2019-03-12 22:26:47
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 8,188
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13556868
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SelenaTerna/pseuds/SelenaTerna
Summary: Rose and the Doctor get invited to a ball, but Rose declines. She's tired of feeling inadequate and out of place.





	1. Something She's Not

**Author's Note:**

  * For [LizAnn_5869](https://archiveofourown.org/users/LizAnn_5869/gifts).



> Hello lovelies, this is part 1 of a Tumblr drabble prompt gone rogue. The prompt from Liz was 'Ten x Rose, value me.' It's set post GITF/AOS, just after they've dropped off Mickey and is in two parts. If people like part 1, I'll post part 2. The first chapter isn't very happy, but the second chapter resolves it all. Please let me know if you like and would like the second chapter. Liz, I hope you like this (or at least don't hate it!)

“Off you go then!”

Rose frowned in confusion. “Go where?”

The Doctor bounced on his toes excitedly, prodding her to the doorway that had just appeared, courtesy of the TARDIS. “To the wardrobe, of course! We have a ball to go to!”

“Ball?” Rose frowned as he nudged her into the wardrobe room. “What ball?” 

“The Plyathians are throwing us a thanksgiving ball for negotiating that peace treaty,” he beamed, slipping his hands into his pockets.

“Oh, right.” She plucked aimlessly at a nearby jacket, remembering the Prime Minister’s pointed remarks about her ‘obvious lack of breeding, common speech and appalling lack of etiquette.’ “You mean they’re throwing _you_ a ball, then. _You_ did it, I just hung about in the gardens, mostly.”

“Of course you’re invited- we’re a team, Rose! Off you go and choose a dress then! Don’t want to be late to our own ball!”

She tried to smile, all the while thinking of French courtesans and ballrooms and rude Plyathian Prime Ministers and couldn’t summon up even the appearance of enthusiasm. “Yeah…Know what Doctor? Might give this one a miss. ‘M a bit a tired, actually- might get an early night.”

He stared at her incredulously. “What? You _love_ to dress up, and here I am giving you carte blanche to go mad and dress up to your heart’s content- and you don’t want to come?”

She shrugged. “Don’t feel like dressing up. But you go ahead and have fun.”

“You don’t feel like- Rose you can wear the most lavish gown you can possibly think of! There’ll be a thousand lights and little cakes and bananas and dancing, Rose! You love to dance!”

She gave a weak smile. “Sounds like fun, but I’m gonna get an early night. You better get moving, or someone might eat all the little cakes.”

“Rose-”

“I’ll see you in the mornin’, Doctor,’ she interrupted, not wanting to argue about it any longer. “Have fun!”

With that, she strode out of the wardrobe room and into the corridor, praying the TARDIS would move her room close-by. Sighing in relief  when she spotted the familiar door, she made for it and closed it behind her, locking it for good measure, hoping the TARDIS would move the doors around again.

The TARDIS hummed almost grumpily and did just that, sending her door far away, hopefully somewhere at the back of the TARDIS and near the Eastern swimming pool. It’d take the Doctor ages to find her back there, and he’d likely have long given up by then and gone to the party.

Rose sighed with relief and slumped onto her bed. Maybe it was childish, but she didn’t feel like arguing with the Doctor about going and she really didn’t feel like standing around at a formal ball, either, being looked down on by everyone there for using the wrong knife or fork, or saying the wrong thing. 

And she definitely didn’t feel like watching the Doctor flirting with every woman there- except for _her_ that is. 

Because really, he’d been right. She _did_ love to dress up- or at least, she’d used to. She’d loved to wear posh clothes and ball gowns and dance and pretend to be something other than a chav from a council Estate. She’d loved to see the look in his eyes when he looked at her in her finery, and the possessive glare that would scorch anyone who tried to pay the slightest bit of attention to her.

Or at least, she’d loved the look in the last him’s eyes, because _this_ him didn’t look at her at all, really. Not anymore.

She’d always hoped that if she dressed up enough, that if she acted posh enough, he’d see past  the ignorant Earth girl with the East London accent, that he’d see that she could be what he needed, that he’d love her the way she loved him.

But it hadn’t worked out that way at all, and she’d learned that there was no point pretending to be anything other than she was.  She’d learned that her first Doctor had loved her anyway, common accent and all, that he hadn’t needed the posh clothes to notice her, that he’d seen so much more to her than she ever had.

Remembering how _this_ Doctor had boasted of Reinette’s many accomplishments, she cringed. 

Maybe her first Doctor seen more to her than there really was.

Because she’d also learned that this new Doctor didn’t think she was enough, that he wanted something more, much more than she could ever be. He'd been pushing her away- this was the first time in weeks he’d actively sought her company for something, and it was likely only  because he felt guilty after Mickey and the parallel world and the Pete Tyler she’d met there. But oh, he'd been dancing away, pushing her away for weeks now and had run straight to Reinette- clever, beautiful, accomplished Reinette with her musical talents and political prowess and refined speech and royal status.

What could plain Rose Tyler from the Estate offer compared with all that? What could she offer a Time Lord, last of a species so revered that they’d practically passed into legend?

She exhaled. 

Nothing, that’s what. 

She didn’t have any of those things. She had no real breeding or education, no clever speech or important ideas, no knowledge of etiquette or royal protocol. Even the Plyathian Prime Minister had noticed how out of place she was at the treaty meetings and told her bluntly that she didn’t belong, that she had nothing to offer and she had no business being there. And the worst part of it all was that he was right. She had none of those things. All she had was her love for the Doctor, for the TARDIS and her life with them, and really, what use was that to the Doctor? However her first Doctor had felt, it was clear that _this_ Doctor didn’t return her feelings. What good was her love to him?

He’d been pushing her away and trying to show her in his way that things that changed, that _he_ had changed, and she’d been clinging to him anyway, fighting the distance with everything she had. 

But now she had to face the truth; there was nothing left to fight for.

Her Doctor was gone, and in his place was a man who didn’t love her, didn’t want her and had made it clear that she would never be enough for him.

Leaning back against her pillows, she sighed. And _that_ was why she hadn’t wanted to attend the ball tonight; what was the point? What was the point in dressing up as something she wasn’t, pretending to _be_ something she wasn’t and watching everyone look straight through her?

She didn’t belong in a place like that. The Doctor knew it, and the Prime Minister knew it.

And so did she.


	2. What Are You Worth?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Doctor goes to the ball and overhears a very unexpected conversation before teaching a few people some very serious lessons.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here is ch2 of the 'drabble' (HAHAHAHAHHAHAHA drabble? WHAT IS THAT?. It was meant to be the last chapter but the Doctor took more time at the ball than I thought he would, so ch3 is forthcoming and will have some much-needed conversation between him and our Rose. I hope you like!

The Doctor stood in the wardrobe room, gaping after Rose. What was she on about, being _too tired_ and turning down a chance to frock up? Rose had always been a bit of a night owl, begging him (well, the last him) to take her dancing, and taking great delight in dressing up and driving him mad. Obviously, she was in a bit of a strop about something and had gone off to sulk.

 _Humans_. 

(He deliberately suppressed the thought that she might be angry with _him_ ).

He shook his head and made his way into the corridor. He’d go and talk some sense into her and she’d come to the ball and have a brilliant time and he’d spend the evening watching her and not-staring at her, as he usually did. He supposed things _had_ been a tad strained lately (he refused to contemplate why), and this should get things nicely back on track.

Except he couldn’t find her room. It wasn’t by the wardrobe, where it obviously had been, or by his own room as it usually was (although she’d never known it) or the library or the galley or the gym or any of the usual spots. He’d even checked by the garden (Rose liked the garden) to no avail; no room and no Rose.

He glared at the nearest coral strut. “What are you playing at, hiding her room?”

The TARDIS hummed angrily at him before falling silent altogether, their bond retreating to the furthermost corners of his mind.

He shook his head in disbelief. In all their years together the TARDIS had _never_ done that. But then, he realised, she’d also never chosen to listen to a companion over him, either.

What was _that_ about?”

The TARDIS remained stubbornly silent.

He sighed. Obviously, Rose didn’t want to be found, and obviously, the TARDIS was taking her side. He wouldn’t find her room no matter how hard he looked. Maybe…maybe the best thing he could do was to just go to the ball for a bit, give Rose and the TARDIS a chance to calm down. And maybe, just maybe, Rose might decide to come after all.

Yes, perhaps that was best. 

Nodding sharply, he made for the door, ignoring the niggling sensation that it felt _wrong_ to leave without Rose, that something was _missing_.

She’d come around.

++++++++

Two hours later, he conceded that Rose had meant what she said and wasn’t coming. He’d half expected to see her when he’d arrived, had been looking for her since, to no avail.

She wasn’t there.

Suddenly sick of this party and the pretentious people who’d glommed onto him from the moment he’d arrived, he turned to leave, only to run (literally) into the Prime Minister.

“Sorry!” He said, steadying the blue-haired man. “Didn’t look where I was going.”

“Not at all, honoured Doctor.” The other man bowed. “Do not think on it, I implore you.”

The Doctor said something equally fluffy and the other man seemed satisfied. 

He also didn’t seem inclined to leave.

“You are enjoying our little celebration, Doctor?”

“Sorry?” He turned from calculating the quickest route from the TARDIS. “Oh yes, very nice! Very, er, _festive_ festivities. The little cakes are brilliant.”

The Prime Minister seemed satisfied. “I am pleased that our humble efforts are acceptable to you after the great service you have rendered us, Lord Doctor.”

“Oh well, all in a day’s work you know,” he babbled, edging slightly towards the door. “Rose and I do this sort of thing all the time.”

The Prime Minister looked at him knowingly. “You are too modest, Doctor.”

Modest? _Him?_ Especially this him? Not bloody likely (although he’d never admit it to anyone).

“Er, right, well, it’s been fun and all that but I need to get back to Rose-”

The Prime Minister’s expression flickered ever so slightly at the mention of Rose. “Ah, yes, your… _companion_ ….is enjoying the celebrations also?

The Doctor narrowed his eyes slightly. What was _that_ all about? “No, she’s back on the TARDIS- was feeling a bit crook, you see. She sends her apologies.”

The Prime Minister blinked again, looking momentarily satisfied before hiding the expression. “Of course. I hope her convalescence will not impede your work too greatly. If you will excuse me, Doctor?”

“Of course,” he muttered, mind racing. “Off you go.”

The other man bowed before gathering his cloak and swooping (had the man taken lessons from the late, great Alan Rickman at some point in his life?) towards a group of council members. After exchanging a few words, they moved out onto the balcony and of course, the Doctor followed.

Stopping several feet away from the balcony door under the guise of admiring a nearby (and truly awful) painting, he focused, his superior hearing easily picking out the voices of the council.

“He is pleased then?” one councilman demanded.

“He is,” the Prime Minister replied. “He approves of our festivities and continues to look upon us with favour.”

“By Hera and her Horsehoe, that is a great relief,” the other man exclaimed. “I never expected in all my years to meet one such as he. I heard tell of the dignity and power of the Time Lords from my great-grandfather, when I was boy, and he emphasised above all that one should _never_ insult a Time Lord.”

“Quite,” the Prime Minister concurred. “I heard much the same from own great-uncle, whose ancestor was once the envoy to….” And here he lowered his voice further, “Gallifrey.”

The Doctor flinched.

“‘Never anger a Time Lord’, he said, ‘and honour them always for they have powers the rest of us cannot fathom.”

The other men murmured their agreement.

“There is much I would tolerate to avoid giving offence to a Time Lord,” another voice piped up. “I would even tolerate that chit of his among us tonight, if it would make him look on us with favour.”

“Fortunately, she declined,” the Prime Minister smirked. “It would appear she took my words to heart and has learned her place.”

The Doctor narrowed his eyes. What had that old snob said to Rose?

“I do not pretend to comprehend why he keeps the creature with him,” the Prime Minister went on. “She is clearly a lower being of no value, even as a servant- she lacks even the basic skills for that office!”

The other men murmured their agreement even as the Doctor grit his teeth in anger.

“Perhaps she is his concubine,” one man suggested. “Perhaps a Time Lord is more open in such matters and so he does not hide her.”

“You do not know of what you speak!” The Prime Minister scoffed. “The Time Lords were notorious for their disdain for matters of the flesh and removed all such urges from their race millennia ago. Besides which, he does not even look at the chit! Have none of you noticed that? Little wonder, really, for all her savage lack of refinery and lack of beauty! He has looked at the Lady Birgitte more than his savage pet and he has scarcely looked at Birgitte at all! Not _seriously_.” The Prime Minister paused for a breath. “No, mark my words, he does not want her, and if you had seen, as I have, how little he looks at her, how little he cares for her presence or what she does, you would not doubt me on this.”

The Doctor’s blood boiled at that even as his conscience screamed that what they said was true- he had paid her little or no attention and flirted with every eligible lady in the court besides. Little wonder they thought he held her in little or no esteem.

“We do not doubt you,” one of the older men assured him. “Little wonder if he doesn’t want her for I am sure that I have hounds better trained that that creature.”

“I am sure that with a great deal of training, she could be of use in _some_ fashion,” another man smirked. “She has little beauty to recommend her, true enough, but her lips….”

 _Enough_!

Blood boiling, the Doctor strode onto the balcony, startling the men into silence.

“L-lord Doctor,” the Prime Minister stuttered. “I, we were just-”

“Yes?” The Doctor growled, the rage of the storm in his eyes. “You were just _what?”_

The men stuttered and stared, before falling silent.

“Nothing to say?” he snarled. “I’m a bit surprised, considering you seemed to have plenty to say a few moments ago!

“I- we meant you no offence, revered Time Lord!”

“It’s a bit late for that,” he seethed. “I find everything you think, everything you _are,_ offensive.”

“My lord, I- I did not mean to offend! I will never speak of the Time Lords in such irreverent fashion again!”

The Doctor stared, and it seemed to the men on the balcony that the night grew darker, closer. “You think this is about your babbling about a long dead race and their stifling dignity?”

“Lord Doctor, please I do not understand-”

“This is about _Rose!”_ The Doctor shouted, trembling with rage. “How dare you speak about her like that? How dare you treat her as if she didn’t matter?”

The men stared and the Prime Minister stuttered. “The girl? You are offended on behalf of the girl? But she is- ”

“More than you or I will _ever_ be!” The Doctor snapped. “She’s more than the lot of you put together! She’s brave and loyal and valiant and compassionate and make no mistake, she’s the _only_ reason I’m holding back now.”

The men trembled.

“That ‘worthless chit’ has given up more than you’ll ever understand, has risked more than you’ll ever know, for me, for the universe, and she deserves your respect! How dare you presume to judge her worth? How dare you presume to judge anyone’s worth by your own pathetic standards?”

There was no response this time and the Doctor seethed with rage.

“You think your so-called power, your wealth, your arbitrary social positions make you better, worth more than her or anyone else? I have power, more power than you’ll ever know and let me tell you it means _nothing_. The worth of a person isn’t in their background or their wealth or their power, and I _pity_ you all for your poverty!”

“Lord Doctor,” the Prime Minister choked. “We….we apologise! We did not- that is, how can we restore your favour?”

The Doctor barked a bitter laugh. “My favour is the last thing you should be worried about right now.”

“Please, revered one!”

“You want to appease me?” The Doctor demanded. “You want to quell my rage? Then take off those fancy robes of yours and go and learn from your own people. Go and see what makes a person of worth, learn from people who are better than you’ll ever be. Never speak of _anyone_ the way you spoke of Rose tonight.” He stood there, chest heaving and growled in a low voice. “Now get out of my sight.”

With that, he made for the door and the TARDIS and Rose,.

He had to talk to her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! Come visit me at countessselena.tumblr.com


	3. More Than You Know

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Doctor and Rose have a long overdue conversation.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok, so here we have the last chapter of this fic and...it's gone a bit mental-OK, a lot mental- and is huge. There was just so much to say! I hope people like this and thank you all for reading!

In spite of her bleak thoughts, Rose had almost managed to fall asleep and her eyes were just beginning to close, only to fly open again at a sudden pounding on the door.

“Rose!”

She sat up blearily. “Huh? Whuzzgoin’ on?”

The knob rattled insistently.

“Rose!”

She sighed tiredly.  “What is it, Doctor?”

“Why is the door locked? You _never_ lock the door, not even when you first came on board.”

She huffed in weary amusement, because she’d been locking her door since France and the space station and _her_. Not that the Doctor would know that, since he’d stopped coming to her room to chat or pester her or cuddle _weeks_ ago.

“Didn’t think it’d matter,” she pointed out. “You were out.”

The knob rattled again. “Rose!”

“What?”

“Open the door so I can talk to you!”

Knowing he could and would unlock it himself if she didn’t, she pushed herself up and trudged to the door, opening it to find a wild-eyed Time Lord staring intently at her.

“What’s wrong?” She yawned. “An’ what time is it anyway?”

“Late,” he said, shoving his hands into his pockets. “Or early, depending which way you look at it.”

“Right, well, why are you pesterin’ me late-or-early?” She rubbed at her eyes blearily, wishing he’d go away so she could go back to bed. She was too tired to deal with one of his moods right now.

“I need to talk to you,” he said darkly.

 _“Now_? Can’t it wait til mornin’?”

“No,” he scowled and pushed past her into the room only to stop beside her bed, seeing that the wingback leather chair he had so often sat in was gone. “My chair is gone.”

She blinked. “You want to talk about the furniture?”

He turned to her, eyes stormy. “Why did you move my chair, Rose?”

“I didn’t! The TARDIS did.”

He blinked at that before narrowing his gaze. “She wouldn’t have done that unless you told her to. Did you?”

She flushed, because that was exactly what had happened. “Seriously, you woke me up and you want talk about a _chair_?”

“Where is it?” He persisted, eyes watching her all the while.

“Oh for cryin’ out loud, it’s still here, Doctor! ’S not like she decided to fire it off into space! ’S just moved, is all!”

“But why? That chair has been there since Utah!”

She sighed and sat heavily on the bed, rubbing her eyes. “Look, you came poundin’ on my door and shoutin’ about somethin’ or other yeah? Somethin’ important? So why don’t you tell me what happened so I can get back to bed. ‘M tired, Doctor.”

He cast a last dark look at the place where his chair usually sat before turning to Rose. “Why didn’t you tell me what the Prime Minister said to you?”

She flushed. “What…How’d you find out?”

He scowled. “I overheard them talking- and don’t dodge the question, Rose. Why didn’t you tell me?”

“It wasn’t important,” she shrugged.

“Not important?” The Doctor repeated incredulously. “Rose, he treated as you worse than rubbish! Of course it’s important!”

“Oh come on, Doctor,” she sighed, leaning back onto her pillows. “’S not the first time someone’s said stuff like that an’ it won’t be the last. Why are you makin’ such a big deal out of it?”

“It _is_ a big deal, Rose!” He shook his head in bewilderment. “You should never, ever let anyone tell you that you’re less than they are!”

Unable to help the bitter laugh that escaped her, she looked away. “Bit late for that Doctor, don’t you think?”

He narrowed his eyes. “And what does _that_ mean?”

“Nothin’.” She huffed, shame burning in her gut. “’S just, look, what part of what he said was wrong?”

“What?” He gaped at her.

“What part of what he said was wrong?” She demanded, her exhaustion and humiliation making her irritable. “‘m uneducated, ‘m not posh or from an important family, I dunno anything about royal etiquette or politics or anythin. It’s all true, innit?”

He stared at her.

“An’ he was right- I didn’t know anythin’ about the politics of the region, I dunno their customs or anythin’ that might have been the slightest bit helpful. I had no place at those treaty sessions, no right to say anythin’ because really, what was I goin’ to say?”

“You _always_ have the right to speak, Rose!” he snapped. “And just because you don’t have some worthless piece of paper from their political institute doesn’t mean you don’t have anything worthwhile to say!”

She sighed, rubbing at her eyes. “Look Doctor, they didn’t want me there, yeah? I had nothin’ to say and even if I did they wouldn’t have listened anyway.”

“And what if _I_ wanted you there?” he demanded, eyes flashing.

She rolled her eyes. “You didn’t.”

“Oh? Pretty sure of that, are you?”

“Come on, Doctor, you didn’t even notice when I stopped comin’ to those sessions and you never even knew where I was,” she scoffed. “You didn’t need me there.”

“Of course I did! Rose, when have I ever forgotten about you?”

Feeling her blood boil at the stupid question and the stupid Time Lord asking it, she clenched her fists, digging her nails into her hands to keep her voice calm. “Look, you came in here to ask me about what his Pompous Prime-Ministerness said and why I didn’t tell you, yeah? Bottom line, it didn’t matter. Alright? Can I go back to bed now?”

He fixed his eyes on her face for what seemed to be forever, but she fought to hold his gaze and had the satisfaction of seeing him look away first. Assuming he’d leave, just as he always did when things got too close, too personal, too _honest_ , she climbed into bed and pulled up the covers, settling herself comfortably.

He didn’t leave.

Instead, he stood watching her, silently, the muscle in his jaw tensing.

She wondered how long he was planning to stand there, and had just made up her mind to tell him to leave so she could get to sleep, when he spoke.

“You didn’t answer my question,” was all he said.

She rolled her eyes and snuggled into her pillow, hoping he’d take the hint.

He didn’t. Instead, he turned to where his chair had stood from Utah until France and _her_ , and stood, brooding.

Shrugging to herself, she shifted to her side, turning her back to him and wishing he’d go away.

She had no idea how long they stayed there, her waiting, and him brooding about who knew what, but it seemed like hours and when finally he spoke, she jumped.

“Where did the chair go, Rose?”

She sighed and rolled her eyes, snuggling deeper under the covers. “Told you, the TARDIS moved it.”

“Where to?” Came the quiet, tense reply.

Sighing, she gave in and sat up. “Wherever she put the leather jacket and jumpers.”

Fabric shifted slightly behind her.

“Not the wardrobe.” It wasn’t a question.

She shrugged, irritated that he was pushing her to talk about things she didn’t want to talk about. Wasn’t it enough that _her_ Doctor was gone? Did he have to dwell on it? She didn’t want to talk about the little room that the TARDIS had made for the Doctor’s things after France; his jeans and jumpers, his beloved leather jacket and the chair he’d sat in most nights reading to her, comforting her and watching her sleep. She couldn’t bear to see them pushed into storage along with the rest of the Doctor’s old things, so, the night she’d finally understood that her Doctor was really gone, she’d begged for somewhere special to keep them and the TARDIS had given her that little room.

Rose hadn’t yet set foot in it, unable to face the proof that her Doctor was gone, but she was happy that her Doctor had somewhere special, somewhere that was only _his_ , to be remembered in.

“Where, Rose?”

“I dunno where it is,” she sighed, technically speaking the truth because she _didn’t_ know where the TARDIS had put the room at this very moment.

He didn’t respond for such a long time that she chanced a glance over and saw him standing rigidly with his eyes closed, obviously communicating with the TARDIS. Sighing to herself, she shifted her gaze back to the bedspread, hoping now that he had his answers he’d go away and and they could pretend tomorrow that this had never happened.

The Doctor obviously had other ideas.

She heard the rustle of fabric before feeling the mattress tip slightly, indicating he’d sat down on her bed.

“Why?”

“Why _what_?”

“Why did you put those things aside?”

“Seemed wrong to just chuck ‘em back in the wardrobe,” she muttered. 

He was silent for a moment. “I’m still me, Rose.”

She rolled her eyes. “I know that, Doctor.”

“I’m still the same man who took your hand in that basement.”

She didn’t respond to that.

“You don’t believe me.” It wasn’t a question.

“I know you’re the Doctor,” was all she said. “I believe you.”

“But you don’t believe I’m still _him.”_

She shrugged. “You said it yourself at Christmas- new man and all that. I know you’re still the Doctor, though.”

He shifted slightly and said nothing, and she hoped that meant he had whatever he needed and he’d leave her to cry in private, because dredging up everything she’d lost _hurt_.

“You really think I wouldn’t care if someone treated you like rubbish?”

“It doesn’t matter,” she said angrily, blinking away tears. “S my problem, not yours an’ I’m a grownup. I can handle it if someone says nasty things.”

He looked her accusingly. “You used to tell me before.”

“That was different,” she said between clenched teeth, fighting to hold in her tears.

“How is it different?” He demanded, shifting closer to her and seizing her arm. “I’m still _him_!”

“No you’re _not!”_ She snapped, unable to hold back anymore. “ _He_ cared, _he_ treated me like I matter! _He_ didn’t care that I was just some stupid chav from the Estate!” She glared at him accusingly, eyes bright with angry tears. “ _You_ see me exactly the same way everyone else does- just some stupid chav who can’t measure up to the _important_ people!”

He looked at her, eyes wide and wounded. “How could you say that, Rose? You know how I….you know I care about you.”

“I thought I did!” She flung back the covers and jumped out of bed, bedding to pace, to burn off some of this rage so she didn’t burst. “I thought I was special to you, that I was important but I was wrong! I was important to him, but not to you!”

“How can you-”

“You _left_ me!” She shouted, angry tears blinding her. “You left me to die on that deathtrap, knowin’ there was no way back! Me and Mickey would’ve starved to death, and that was assumin’ there was nothin’ else on that ship to kill us!”

He blanched. “I would have-“

“You would’ve _what_?” She glared through her tears. “You said it yourself, Doctor- once you went through there was no way back and you just _left_ us there, left the _TARDIS_ there to go and play white knight!”

“I had to save her, the timelines-”

“Don’t even try!” She growled. “There were other ways and you knew it, an’ if there weren’t you should’ve taken us with you so at least we wouldn’t starve to death on some clockwork nightmare! But you didn’t because we didn’t _matter_ , Doctor, _I_ didn’t matter!” She swiped angrily at her face. “Funny how all that watching humans growing old stuff didn’t matter with _her_ \- maybe because you actually thought she was worth it.” 

He shook his head, face pale. “No, Rose-”

“Just _stop_ it!” She shouted. “I get it, alright? You’ve been pullin’ away and you tried to tell me and I finally get it, alright?” Swiping angrily at her face again, she grit her teeth, trying to dam her grief and shaking with the effort. “You’re not him, you don’t have the same feelin’s as him and God help me but I get it, but that doesn’t mean you can keep yankin’ me around every time you feel like an ego boost!”

He was staring at her, eyes wide.

“You don’t get to sit there bein’ angry because some sleazy old wanker was rude to me when you’ve treated me exactly the same way, when you see me exactly the same way he does!”

His eyes burned. “I’ve _never_ -”

“What? Treated me like I didn’t matter? Like I was less?” She scoffed. “That’s exactly what you did! You gave me some spiel about witherin’ and dyin’ and how it hurt too much and then you chucked it all and went after _her_ , someone who was barely in your life a day, because _she_ was worth it- the ‘most accomplished woman who ever lived.” She shook her head, wiping her nose with her sleeve. “ _He_ didn’t care that I was nobody- I was somebody to him. But you? I’m not enough for you- not clever enough, not important enough, and you went after someone who was. I reckon that tells me pretty well what you think about me, Doctor. And I’m not tryin’ to stop you, I have no right to stop you lovin’ anyone you want, but don’t you sit there tellin’ me you’re the same man!” She swiped at her face again. “Because _my_ Doctor wouldn’t have treated me like I was nothin’ while he ran off after the King’s mistress, _he_ wouldn’t have left me on that deathtrap! But _you did!”_

He stared at her, jaw clenched.

Shaking her head in disgust, she marched into the bathroom, slamming the door behind her, trembling with rage and hurt and not a little fear that she’d just spent her last night on the TARDIS.

She growled as she splashed her face with water. Why did he have to push her? Why couldn’t he leave well enough alone? They could have kept on as they were and she might have gotten over it eventually- enough to get by, anyway. But no, he’d kept pushing and now it had all come out and it was _over._ He’d never let her stay now.

The TARDIS hummed comfortingly and Rose patted the nearest wall as she reached for a towel to pat her face. She didn’t know how she’d ever learn to live without the TARDIS’ comforting hum and the warm presence in her mind.

The TARDIS hummed again and Rose sighed. She’d best get to packing, because she’d never sleep now and she was pretty sure the Doctor wouldn’t even give her until morning. He was long gone by now anyway, she reasoned, so she might as well get to work. There were some things she’d never want to leave behind and if he rushed her she might forget a few.

Taking a deep breath, she opened the door and marched back into her room, only to come to a sudden halt.

The Doctor was still there.

She blinked and rubbed her eyes, not sure that she could trust her eyes because she’d been certain he’d take off the moment she’d left after her outburst and yet here he was, sitting rigidly on her bed where she’d left him. She stood watching him warily, not sure what to do or say.

He swallowed. “You don’t have to stand over there, you know. I don’t bite.”

She watched him. “Thought you’d be long gone by now.”

He laughed humourlessly. “I have absolutely no credit in your eyes, do I?”

“’S what you’ve been doin’ since New Earth,” she pointed out, her voice slightly hoarse. “Every time we get too…. close...you just leave.”

He winced. “That’s..fair, I suppose.”

“That’s big of you,” she said gruffly, wishing she hadn’t shouted quite so much.

“Rose, I….” He sighed and patted the bed beside him. “Come and sit down.”

She didn’t move.

“Please?”

It was the ‘please’ that did it- he so rarely used the word that she found herself moving warily towards the bed and sitting on the opposite side before she knew it.

He swallowed. “Thank you. I…” he laughed humourlessly. “I don’t even know where to begin.”

She shrugged. “Does it matter anymore? You’re just goin’ to take me home anyway.”

“No! I…” he swallowed. “D’you _want_ to leave?”

“Didn’t think I’d get a say in it.” She folded her arms defensively. “Just figured you’d dump me back on the Estate after…everythin’.”

He drew a deep breath and it let out slowly. “No, I don’t want to take you back. Not unless…unless you want me to?” He voice shook on the last word.

She shook her head warily, still not sure she trusted him not to leave her at her mum’s.

“I don’t…I don’t want you to go,” he said hoarsely. “If you believe nothing else, please believe that.”

She nodded slowly, still not sure what to think, and he likely knew it, judging by his sigh.

“I…owe you an apology, Rose.”

She said nothing, watching him.

“I….never told you about regeneration, did I?”

She stared at him incredulously, remembering the huge fight they’d had about in front of her mum’s flat at Christmas. Judging by his wince, he did too.

“Right, I…of course I didn’t. My point is, it’s a complete wipe. I might have the memories, might recognise a face- even though sometimes I’d lose even that- but I was always a new man, new feelings, and new personality.”

She exhaled, trying to ignore the pain in her gut at the confirmation that _her_ Doctor was gone. “I know, ’s what I was sayin’ before-”

“But that’s the thing!” The Doctor broke in impatiently. “ _Usually,_ that’s what it is. Only this time…it wasn’t.”

“It wasn’t?” She stared at him in bafflement.

“No,” he said emphatically. “It wasn’t. Oh, the outward packaging had changed, my personality had changed, but my _core_ , who I was and how I felt about things….it didn’t change Rose.”

“I don’t understand.” She shook her head, denying his words, denying what she thought he was saying.

She was so tired of being hurt.

“Yes you do.” He shuffled a little closer to her side of the bed. “I didn’t _change_ Rose. I burned, and I was new yet….there it all was.” He swallowed, fixing his eyes on her dressing table across the room. “Same emotions, same feelings same thoughts. Nine times I’ve changed and that’s never once happened to me before.” He turned his eyes back to her and they burned. “I formed myself on you, did you know that?”

“I… _what_?” She shook slightly. He couldn’t mean what she thought he did. He just couldn’t.

“You heard me.” His gaze burned into her. “I formed myself on you. I wanted to sound like you, to look younger for you, be handsome, someone you could….” He trailed off. “My last self died thinking of you and this one was born thinking of you.” He shook his head. “As I said, that’s…unusual- unheard of, even. I’d never heard of it happening before except in the case of bonded spouses. And yet it did. It…terrified me, Rose, that everything, I felt for you had survived the fires of regeneration.” He took a deep breath. “One….one difference between my last form and this one was that my last was still torn from the Time War. I didn’t consider life spans or any of it because I was still convinced I wouldn’t survive. And then when I met you, I….was so grateful for every day I had with you, I didn’t care about the rest of it. Only…this body, when it was born, was removed from that trauma and I…considered those things. And I ran.”

“I still don’t get it,” she said hoarsely, her hands shaking as they seized the duvet.

“I was afraid, Rose,” he said baldly. “I was afraid that I’d lose you too soon and it would break me and I ran.” He slid across the bed and seized her hands, looking at her desperately. “I pushed you away, I…I ran after Reinette because I was scared. Not because…because of her, but because of you. I needed a distraction, any distraction so I…seized the opportunity.” His eyes burned into hers. “It was never about you not being good enough, Rose, it was never about her being better than you. I didn’t…want her I didn’t even….I felt nothing for her. I just kept waving her at you to push you away, because I was afraid. I…” he huffed a bitter laugh. “There’s one major difference between my last form and this one- I…I’m a coward. I was afraid of you, of what I felt for you and what it would do to me when I lost you, so I pushed you away, left you behind without even thinking of the consequences. It was wrong and cruel and I’m so, so sorry.”

She blinked, causing several tears to splash down her face. “I don’t…what are you sayin’?” She said shakily.

“I…love you,” he said hoarsely. “And it terrifies me.”

“Don’t…don’t say that,” she choked. “Don’t say that when I know you don’t mean it, Doctor. ’S too cruel.”

“But I _do_ mean it, Rose.” His voice shook and the muscle in his jaw clenched. 

She tore her hands from his. “No you _don’t_!” she cried. “If you…if you did you wouldn’t have treated me like that, like I didn’t matter. You wouldn’t have left me to die!”

“Rose, please!” He grabbed her hands again, staring intently into her eyes. “I saw an opportunity to run, to hide, and I took it. And I regretted it before I’d even got to the other side of the mirror. All I could think of was you, and that I’d cut myself off from you forever, that you…you might be gone if I ever did manage to get back.” His eyes glistened- with tears, she realised. He was trying not to cry.

She’d never seen him cry, not even after Reinette had died.

“I treated you badly, I was selfish, I put my own feelings ahead of yours, not even thinking of what my actions would do to you or how it would make you feel. All I cared about was protecting myself only….” He laughed hoarsely. “It’s too late for that, far too late. All I did was make you feel worthless and inferior, and Rose you’re _not_.”

She shook her head, refusing to hear him, too frightened to believe him because her heart couldn’t take it all over again. “‘M nothin’ Doctor and you’re a Time Lord, the last Time Lord. “m not stupid enough to think someone like you could ever-”

“I died for you!” He shouted, his fear making him desperate. “Does that sound like _nothing_ , to you?”

“What?” She gasped, drawing back from him. “No! Don’t even say that!”

“It’s true, Rose!” He seized her hands again, cutting off her escape. “I died for you, to save you and I’d do it again. I took the Vortex out of you and I regenerated.”

“I…I killed you?” She gasped. “No! Oh my God, I killed you!” She began to sob- heavy, wracking sobs- unable to bear the thought that _she_ had killed her Doctor. Suddenly, she found herself seized in a familiar, comforting embrace, held closely to a chest that was different from the old.

“You saved me, Rose!” His voice vibrated through his chest, under her ear. “I’d have died and not regenerated if you hadn’t done what you did. You saved me and you saved the universe.”

“I killed you! Oh God, I killed you! You died and it’s my fault! I killed my Doctor!” She sobbed, burying her head in his chest, unable to bear it.

“I’m _here_ , Rose!” He pulled her back slightly, tears running down his cheeks. “I’m right here. You saved me and I saved you and I’d do it again! I’d give every last regeneration to save you.”

She cried into his chest for what seemed to be hours, unable to fathom what he was saying, unable to bear it because it was all too, too much.

Finally, the storm abated and she pulled back, drawing back as far as he’d let her whilst still holding tightly to her.

His eyes were red and his face was tearstained. Unable to help it, she reached out wiped a tear away, looking at it in shock.

“You’re cryin’,” she said in surprise, sniffling.

He choked a laugh. “You’re one to talk.”

“But _why_ are you cryin’?” She really didn’t understand.

He smiled sadly at her. “I hurt you. I was selfish and I didn’t think about you and I hurt the only person who’s ever.… You deserved better than that, Rose.”

“M not-”

“Don’t you say you’re not important because you _are_! Do you understand me? You’re _so_ special, Rose Tyler- you’re brave and loyal and compassionate and loving and _brilliant_ and you saved me! Did you know that? I’d had enough, was going to die in that basement in Henriks, but after meeting you…I chose to live. You saved me then Rose Tyler just as you saved me on the Game Station.” He stroked her cheek. “You’re so much more than I’ll ever be.”

“I don’t…what are you sayin’?” She said shakily.

“I’m saying that I’m tired of running, Rose.” He leaned his forehead against hers. “I’m tired of trying to hide. What’s the point of fearing your loss if I end up losing you while you’re still here?”

“What-”

“All I want is a chance,” he cut in, look at her intently. “I know I don’t deserve it, I don’t deserve you, especially after making you think that you were not…important, that you were worthless but I beg you, give me a chance anyway.”

“A chance to do what?” She was shaking. Why was she shaking?

“A chance to prove that I’m being honest, Rose, that I mean what I say, to prove that I….that I love you. To show that I value you. That’s all I want- a chance. You don’t need to do anything or say anything, just please, let me try! Let me show you that underneath that I’m still _him.”_

Rose swallowed. “Why?”

He sighed. “Because no matter how far I run, you’re still with me, part of me. Because I’m tired of hurting you. And because…because I’d rather live with you and l-love you than waste what time we have together.”

“I- I don’t know if I can trust you,” she said hoarsely, seeing him flinch. “How do I know you won’t change your mind tomorrow and go back to pushin’ me away?”

“I won’t,” he swore. “Never again. You don’t need to do anything except let prove myself. That’s all. Just….stay,” he pleaded. “Just stay for a while longer, don’t hide from me and I’ll show you, Rose. Let me earn your trust. That’s all I ask. I’ll beg if you want me to.”

She swallowed. Should she?  Could she trust him? On the one hand, he’d hurt her. A lot, and more than anyone else ever could. What if he did it again? She didn’t think she could live through it again. On the other hand, he’d told her he loved her, had apologised and wanted a chance to prove himself. And she was honest enough with herself to know that if she didn’t give him his chance, she’d have go to back to her mum’s- it would be too cruel to the both of them to stay here after that. Could she go back to her hum-drum life, away from her beloved TARDIS and the Doctor, and live with the fact that it all could have been so different if only she’d had the courage to try?

Was the fear of loss really worth sacrificing all she stood to gain?

Remembering what the Doctor had said about letting fear drive his actions, and what it had almost cost, she cringed. There was really only one way forward. She’d stay, let him prove himself, and she would see whether he really valued her, really loved her, as he said. If he didn’t…well, she’d leave then. _After_ a few choice words.

“If…I say yes,” she said hoarsely, “you can't change your mind, Doctor. You can’t go back to yankin’ me around.”

“I won’t” he swore.

“And you can’t….you can’t treat me like I don’t matter anymore. No more leavin’ me behind or chasin’ after other people just ‘cause you’re scared.”

“Never again, Rose, I swear it.”

“And if you…if you do it again, I’ll leave,” she said, her voice cracking on the last word. “I can’t…just because ‘m not someone important doesn’t mean you can treat me like I don’t matter.”

“You _are_ important,” he told her fiercely. “You are and I’ll prove it to you Rose. No one is more important to me than you and you’ll never have cause to doubt it again.”

She took a deep breath. “I….OK. One chance, Doctor.”

He lunged at her and pulled her tightly to him. “Thank you. Thank you Rose, you won’t regret it, I swear.”

“You’d better be tellin’ the truth.” She pushed at him until he let her go, and looked him in the eye. “An’ one more thing.”

“Anything!”

“I know you said you didn’t mean to hurt me, but you did, Doctor. You hurt me a lot by bein’ selfish.”

He cringed. “I know, and I’m sorry, Rose. I’m so sorry. How can I even begin to make it up to you?”

Rose looked him dead in the eye. “Dinner at mum’s tomorrow night.”

He drew back in horror. ‘Rose!”

She took a deep breath. “An’ you’re goin’ to tell her where Mickey is, for real. I…’m not askin’ you to tell her about the other stuff cause that’s between us, but she deserves to know what happened to Mickey. You’ve been avoidin’ her and ’s not fair. She’s…she’s my _mum,_ Doctor _,_ and she practically raised Mickey.”

He swallowed and nodded. “I….alright. If it means that much to you…”

“It does,” she told him seriously, feeling slightly more at ease now that her mum would know what had happened.

“Then it’s done. And Rose?”

She took a deep breath. “Yeah?”

“Thank you. You won’t regret this.”

She tried to smile, in spite of the fear and exhaustion swirling in her gut. “I’d better not. Or else I’ll tell mum that you left me for a French prossie.”

“Rose!”

_Fin_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! Come find me at countessselena.tumblr.com

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! Visit me on Tumblr at countessselena.tumblr.com


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